I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
