I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
how drunk are you?
Several
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
