Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
