Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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