I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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