in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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