Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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