i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
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You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
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My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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