he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
