It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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