how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
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