Only a mothe r could love this liver
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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