one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
