well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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