Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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