fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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