One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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