I am spending my child support on dildos
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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