my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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