Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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