Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
