If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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