Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
