they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
