My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
