Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
