Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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