no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
