Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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