Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
