I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
