We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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