I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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