Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
