She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
