my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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