im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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