To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
