Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
