My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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