I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm passing your future prison.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
