I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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