you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
