new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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