I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
