Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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