wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
