The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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