it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
