It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
