The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
