went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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