mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
