i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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