I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
