I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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