Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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