I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
