I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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