she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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