I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
