What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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