an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
