he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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