I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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