i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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