$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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