even my farts smell like vagina
I checked into jail on foursquare
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She tied me up with her honor cords...
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You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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